It’s the holiday season (the holiday season),
So hoop-de-do and dickory dock,
You live in constant fear that you’ll lose what you bought during your online shop.

Porch privacy is a major problem in the United States. With a drastic increase in online shopping over the last quarter-century—and the rampant decrease of morality in these United States and worldwide—package theft has become a significant issue.

In fact, as of 2023, it’s estimated that over 29% of Americans have fallen victim to package theft, with an estimated loss of $29.2 billion. (Per one AP News article I found doing a very targeted Google search.)

So, how do we stop this crisis and protect our purchased wares for loved ones this holiday season? Here is a simple three-step solution to ensure your Amazon wishlist or Instagram-algorithm-bought goods make it to their intended destination.

1) Always Sign for Your Packages

What seems like a simple solution to our nation’s widespread problem is selecting the option that ensures you’re handed your package. However, there are several drawbacks to this seemingly straightforward fix.

First, this option is often more expensive, and even more frequently, it’s not offered by many sellers. Additionally, if it is available, it requires you to be home to sign for it—and able to sprint to the door at breakneck speeds to avoid the dreaded, half-hearted “Sorry we missed you” note.

Worse still, after a couple of failed delivery attempts, you’re stuck traveling to pick up the package, negating the entire late-night scrolling escapade that led you to that pair of socks with a pet’s face on them—the perfect gift for your office Secret Santa.

2) The Buddy System

Another potential solution to protect your packages would be to adopt the strategy of the mighty muskrat—an animal that works in pairs, with one acting as a sentinel to spot predators and sound the alarm. It’s a great system, but it hinges on your relationship with your neighbors or building tenants.

Assuming you have the social capital to ask about joining an elite alliance of crime-stopping Christmas defenders, you’ll also need to trust that they’ll equally shoulder the burden. I’m not suggesting you purchase matching gunnery suits, sleep in shifts, and take equal watch over both doorsteps—although, if you and your neighbor are willing to commit to such a regimen, I estimate porch theft for both homes will drop to 0% this holiday season.

3) Booby Traps

Likely the most effective—and certainly the most creative—of all the solutions suggested in this article is outfitting your home with traps to thwart thieves. This is also known as “The McCallister Method.”

Before you get too excited and start tying paint cans to strings on your roof, let me share one crucial warning: inform your postal carrier about the dangers you’ve installed at your doorstep. I wish I could say I’ve seen it happen fewer than a dozen times, but newspapers during the holiday season are littered with stories of postal workers stumbling into tacks or suffering burns from hot irons on deliveries.

If you opt for “The McCallister Method,” make sure you notify your postal worker and local post office of your plan to maim anyone after that digital picture frame—the one Mom is gonna love for her kitchen.

Another small drawback to this tactic: it requires a working knowledge of guerrilla warfare, some handyman skills, and a tolerance for potential lawsuits. It’s also a significant time suck.

Porch privacy is no laughing matter, and this year, it will likely continue at record rates. Be prepared, have a plan, and if you see something, say something. I hope these nifty tips and tricks will help you protect your trinkets this holiday season and ensure they reach their intended recipients.

If not, you can always consider shopping local or making homemade gifts—ones that show intent, thought, love, and effort.

Good luck to all working to protect their packages this holiday season.