You can pick at 55, you can pick an SMU receiver, but you can’t pick up your neighbor’s Chappell Roan records off their doorstep while wearing your son’s jersey adorned with "Momma-Rice" and expect to get away with it.

Rashee Rice’s troubled season continues after his mother was caught stealing records from their neighbor’s porch following the Chiefs' win over the Chargers on Sunday. To make matters worse, this was the same game in which the team fears Rashee Rice suffered a season-ending injury. The SMU standout receiver is still awaiting punishment for an off-season incident where he was involved in a hit-and-run while racing another vehicle. He was also connected to an assault at a Dallas nightclub during the off-season.

After reviewing the footage, it seems like a pretty open-and-shut case. Marsha Kearney (aka "Momma-Rice") was caught on camera walking by, eyeing the packages and the camera, before returning to shuffle the packages away from the door with her foot and then picking them up. The limited amount of "Momma-Rice" jerseys sold, combined with the footage of the theft, make this one hard to deny.

However, as a bit of an amateur legal mind myself, I believe I’ve crafted the perfect defense for the Chiefs receiver’s mother: plead the Roan. Chappell Roan has been having a hell of a 2024. The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess is a fantastic record, with 14 tracks that simply do not miss. If I were Marsha Kearney, I’d play that album for the judge, drop a needle on "HOT TO GO!" and the case would surely be dismissed.

For fantasy owners, I hope Rashee Rice’s injury isn’t too severe. For club-goers and drivers in Dallas, I hope he faces some disciplinary action. And for neighbors with Ring cameras, I hope you always catch celebrity moms committing theft of your drag pop.