In this grave hour, perhaps the most fateful in our history, I send to every household of my peoples, both at home and overseas, this message, spoken with the same depth of feeling for each one of you as if I were able to cross your threshold and speak to you myself...

Nathan's Hot Dogs made a gross and disgusting decision on Tuesday, June 11th, when they decided to align themselves and become a terrorist organization the likes of ISIS and the Taliban.

Nathan's famous hot dogs struck down the greatest American on what is the greatest of American holidays by deciding to ban Joey ‘Jaws’ Chestnut from competing in the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July hot dog eating contest.

The dispute stems from Joey Chestnut turning down Nathan's offer of $1.2 million to be a spokesman and opting for a deal with Impossible Brands that will pay him significantly more as a spokesperson. Both Impossible Foods and Joey were all class, declining to comment on the monetary specifics.

Joey was prepared to appear at the event (just like always), eat the same dogs as competitors (just like always), and continue his dominance as the greatest living American athlete (just like always).

But, that tailpipe took a hot dog this afternoon when Major League Eating and Nathan's announced the ban to the world through the meat puppet George Shea, who shared, "We love him. The fans love him, He made the choice."

Chestnut learned of his ban from the competition through the media and not thru Nathan’s or by the spineless Shea, who is the Major League Eating event organizer and host and carries huge "look at me" energy.

Shea did share that Joey’s exclusion is due to a contract dispute and bears no ethical merit, saying in his prepared statement, "It would be like Michael Jordan saying to Nike, 'I'm going to represent Adidas, too.'"

Well, Georgie boy, I got some news for you about Mike Jordan and brand representation. Because his Airness covered up Reebok logos in '92 Dream Team photos as he was both loyal to Nike, these United States, and the team he played for who happened to be sponsored by Reebok.

This move stinks like a hot dog burp with sour kraut and onions, washed down by a warm Budweiser.

While I can understand the decision from the perspective of not wanting the winner to be representing a rival. Impossible Brands' hot dogs are not a rival. At least not by any traditional measure. So, that leaves two likely reasons and one fanfiction as to why Major League Eating and Nathan's would ban Joey "Jaws" Chestnut.

First, simply they were butt-hurt they were rebuffed by Joey. They offered what they thought was a generous sponsorship offer of $1.2 million, and Chestnut got a better one.

If that is the case, OKAY. But still, Joey Chestnut brings the eyes; he has won more than a third of your silly little hot dog contests. People watch for him. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone on the planet who could even name more than two competitive eaters.

Next up, and I hate this one, but I have to say it: Gambling. With the widespread legalization of sports betting, maybe Major League Eating and Nathan's wanted to enter the space and were told that there were simply no lines that could be offered while the greatest was still dipping, sweating and swallowing. They bowed to the Draft Kings who could not set a line for the phenomenon that is Jaws.

Last, and I am hoping this is the case: It is a work. Last year's storm delay that caused a fake cancellation lost so many eyeballs that they need to do something to drum up interest in the casuals. So they ban Chestnut, and then as the competitors walk onto the stage and are announced, a shadowy figure looms...he pops up from the stage and throws off a cloak to reveal himself. Joey JAWS Chestnut! He picks up George Shea and choke-slams him through the table that all the dogs are laid upon. The crowd goes wild. The clock starts, and he eats 77 hot dogs, setting a new world record. Personally, I'm rooting for this, but sadly, I think that this might just be as simple as a company wanting to get more money and pay people less. Unusual, right?

The point remains that what is currently happening in MLE and Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest is criminal. Joey Chestnut should be able to walk into the home of any American, open the fridge, and eat the entire top shelf in under a minute thirty. He then should be able to burp loudly in their face and honk their titty. He really is that great, and for us to allow Nathan's to ban him is ludicrous.

First, they came for the competitive hot dog eaters, and I said nothing because I was not a competitive hot dog eater...