Difficult Decisions

LEBANON, Ind. (CB) — Andrew Wilhoite will not be serving on the Clinton Township board, nor will he be serving a murder sentence after being found guilty of the lesser charge of voluntary manslaughter and withdrawing his name from the township board position.

Wilhoite's wife Nikki was reported missing on March 25th, 2022, by coworkers when she did not show up for work. A week earlier, she had filed for divorce. Police would find her body in a creek near the couple's home and arrest Andrew shortly after. Wilhoite won the Republican township seat with 60 votes, demonstrating more clearly than any metaphor or example the public's frustration with elected officials.

The good people of Clinton, Indiana, knowingly elected a murderer (manslaughterer) rather than a status quo candidate. Elected officials have reached a point where the outsider can be anybody from a billionaire reality TV host to a man who murdered his wife with a flower pot and are still more favorable than a politician. I wish us all the best in our future elections and would have loved to learn more about Wilhoite's positions, as he seems to be a passionate man and a creek connoisseur.

AP Story

The Mystery of the Cuban Cadaver

LAVAL, Quebec (CB) — A funeral for Faraj Allah Jarjour could not be held Monday as it was missing an essential person: Faraj. Faraj Allah Jarjour passed away last month in Cuba on a family vacation due to a sudden heart attack he suffered while swimming with his daughter Miriam Jarjour. Miriam has been working with the Canadian consulate and authorities in Cuba to retrieve her father's body to no avail. Making matters worse, last week Miriam believed she would finally be receiving her father. Instead, the corpse sent to them was a much younger Russian man with a full head of hair and a series of tattoos. The Jarjour family is living a nightmare after paying over seven thousand dollars, only to be left with several questions: Where is their father? And who the hell is this guy?

I would like to consider several scenarios to see if we can determine where Faraj Allah Jarjour's body is and get this funeral back on track.

The Switcheroo

It is entirely possible that Cuba has lost Faraj; they've just flat out misplaced him. Then they tried to pull a fast one by sending over a spare Vladimir they had lying around, hoping no one would notice. For all we know, Cuba has a surplus of middle-aged dead Russians they return to people when someone dies in their country. While this premise certainly seems logical, it does overlook one key step the Cuban people should/would take, and that would be returning them as cremated and then acting surprised when the family complains about the corpse's condition. "You guys sure you said you wanted the full casket? Saved a bunch on shipping."

Faraj Shakur

Walk with me for a moment. You are on a family vacation with your adult children. It is day four. Being with them as adults for an extended period, you wonder where the time went? What did these children keep you from? What are they holding you back from now? Where would you be without them? You decide to go for a swim; your daughter follows you, letting you know about their algorithm and all the TikTok trends. A plan hatches. You fake a heart attack. When the Havana boys show up, you pass out the pesos. Boom! Free Faraj, a new man setting forth on a new adventure. This scenario might be a bit more unlikely in that Faraj's body was set up in a beach chair with a towel over his head à la "Weekend at Bernie's" as they waited 8 hours for him to be transported to Havana. Still, it's nice to imagine Faraj out somewhere catching up on his reading and composing his first symphony.

Bureaucratic Incompetence

Never overestimate bureaucracy, regardless of how important the work it is doing. This body got passed around a lot. If I were to put my dead dad in the back of a Cuban Pontiac headed to Havana, I am not sure I would expect that same body to show up on my doorstep 4 weeks later. Sadly, I think the Jarjours gave far too much credit to a system they did not know during a time of devastation. I hope the body turns up, and they get free shipping to return the Ruski, and there can be a nice celebration of life for Faraj Allah Jarjour. But sadly, I fear for Faraj, and I suspect he is long gone.

AP Story

Earth Day's Origin Story

 Dozens of people this morning gathered at Back Cove with contractor bags to collect trash in the coastal wind and celebrate Earth Day. Earth Day celebrates its 54th year of commemorating the planet's 4.5 billion-year existence. The holiday celebrating the planet started in 1970 to raise awareness about environmental degradation. This year's theme for the holiday is "Planet vs. Plastic," a heavyweight bout that plastic appears to be dominating. To celebrate the event, lets look at five fun facts about the holiday:

Earth Day was Created by a Senator
The holiday was invented by a Democratic Senator from Wisconsin who shared his name with an out-of-time schoolyard insult, Gaylord Nelson. Nelson became increasingly concerned after a massive oil spill in 1969 in Santa Barbara, California. He enlisted a young activist, Denis Hayes, to help bring the idea to the public.

Many Groups Were Independently Involved in Environmental Causes and Became United by The Holiday
During the 1960s, a string of environmental disasters had spawned several groups taking up arms on behalf of the earth and the environment. However, they did not recognize that the impact of their causes was intertwoven. Denis Hayes shared, "There were numerous groups in the U.S. working on different environmental issues—to reduce air pollution, bring attention to the impact of pesticides on farm workers, and more—but they had never worked in conjunction." Earth Day was able to unite these groups like some sort of unwashed Avengers.

Earth Day is for the Kids
Denis and Gaylord felt strongly that if this holiday was going to have legs, they would need to involve the youth. They chose the date April 22nd to fit into college schedules between breaks and exams. This date would afford college professors a free day to offer their students the opportunity to get outside and get involved.

Earth Day 2024 Will Have the Biggest Clean-up in Event History
In Malaysia this year, earthday.org is working to host over 100,000 people on Penang Island, which has been drastically impacted by plastic pollution largely due to tourism.

Plant a Tree and Be Somebody
Attending clean-ups is not the only way to get involved in Earth Day. Since 2010, earthday.org has started the Canopy Project that has planted tens of millions of trees in an attempt to combat the 18 million acres of forest lost every year to deforestation and to provide future Earth Day-celebrating generations with trees to hug.

Happy Earth Day to all. We stand for what we stand on, Earth First! (I will still use plastic for deodorant, as every "natural company" seems to have created a product that increases perspiration and stink).

Have Yourselves a Merry Lit'tle Blunder

ELLSWORTH — Glenn Moshier was dismissed as both Police Chief and City Manager of the town of Ellsworth, stemming from a December 22nd incident when it is alleged an off-duty Moshier showed up to the police station drunk, following an officer-involved shooting.

 The city council voted 6-0 to dismiss Moshier following an investigation into the incident. On December 22nd, an Ellsworth Police officer shot a local man in the arm after the man fired shots at officers attempting to inform him of a warrant. Moshier got the call at 10:30 pm, in bed after having what he claims was five beers earlier. His wife drove him to the station, stopping off for iced tea and gum. Officers who were present state that Moshier was "acting uncharacteristically loud and emotional". The investigation into Moshier's actions that night was taken up by the City Council following a complaint to the Council's chairperson. Typically, investigations are conducted by the city manager, but with Moshier acting as both, this presented a slight conflict of interest.

Was Chief Moshier out of line and irresponsible on the night of the 22nd? Or is he a passionate people leader who was there for his guys? Let's examine both.

 Something to consider about the time of the incident is it was the holiday season, so hoop-de-doo and dickory dock. Why is this relevant? Because of the Santa (hat) Clause. From the 22nd to the 27th of December, you can be as drunk as you want - no questions asked, as long as you are wearing a Santa hat. And how drunk was Chief Moshier? Well, if a city council testimony says five beers, a visit to the doctor's office would say ten, and in reality, it would be closer to fifteen. I actually happen to believe Moshier's can count. What I think was omitted were several shots of Rumple Minze in some hot cocoa. I suspect the German-style peppermint liqueur since it typically results in being uncharacteristically loud and emotional.

Considering how the news was presented to City Manager Moshier is also worth noting. Moshier was awoken from a dead sleep and heard "officer shooting". He got fired up and maybe a bit confused about what had actually taken place. He rushed to the station, after asking his wife to drive and stopping off for an iced tea and some Juicy Fruit gum. It is not noted in the report, but character testimony would suggest he had brought enough gum to share.

Next, we can examine that the weapon Moshier brought was not, in fact, his service weapon but a personal firearm. This just sounds like a classic mix-up. Who among us has not thought, "Shucks, grabbed my wrong gun"? The notice of termination also notes that Police Chief Moshier failed to submit a report on the incident in a timely manner. I would again like to cite the Santa (hat) Clause.

I think Moshier is genuine with what he was doing there that night with what he presented to the council in his letter. He was "attempting to be supportive of his officers." However, both things can be true: City Manager, Police Chief, or just civilian should probably not be dropped off late at night at a police station drunk, armed, and acting uncharacteristically loud and emotional. In fact, one of those three people would likely be shot on sight. Glenn Moshier beefed up, and Ellsworth's City Council was right to dismiss him from both of his previously held positions.

But Chief Moshier also sounds like a grade A foxhole guy, and if I ever shoot a man in the arm, I hope he is there after, drunk, loud, emotional, and with enough gum to share.

Portland Press Herald Story

If Your Family Cared, They'd Never Endorse You

PHILADELPHIA (CB) — Over 15 members of the Kennedy family came forward to endorse President Joe Biden despite the campaign of family member Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Robert's sister even called Joe Biden her "hero" during the endorsement.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is running as a third-party candidate in this year's election, aiming to provide voters with a third choice in a presidential rematch that is lacking in excitement. Despite being a long shot, RFK has drawn interest and support with large crowds at campaign events.

Kennedy is an activist, author, and lawyer who has championed causes such as clean water and physical fitness. Although most of his base is likely drawn to him from his longtime outspoken position against any and all vaccines. With catchy slogans like: "HPV? Couldn't be me!" "Polio? Been gone a long time, yo!" "Measles and Mumps, have you considered gains and pumps?" "Tetanus? You ain't getting this!!" Kennedy's opposition to vaccines has made him very popular in the growing anti-vax communities of the last four years, and is also likely why his family has decided not to endorse him.

But ask yourself this: Would your family endorse you...for president?! I have two intelligent parents and a large loving family. I would be shocked and disappointed if they were to support me as the leader of the free world. It is a difficult job. No one who cares about you should want you to have to be president. Also, they have seen me quit so many things when they became difficult, from jigsaw puzzles to lacrosse. I am sure the second I was handed the nuclear football, I would be on the phone with them in tears, just like in 7th grade when handed the regular football.

Your family knows you, and they remember. They remember the collect call from 4th Avenue Detention Center in Phoenix. They recall why they had to get a new HP Pavilion 4450 for the family after your at-home-alone internet searches. Why their insurance premiums skyrocketed and their vehicles needed to be replaced. They remind you as a joke that 50-proof alcohol does not freeze, not even Bombay Gin that was on hand when you were a teen.

Mostly your family would not endorse you for president because they love you. Being commander-in-chief is like being that guy who had in-flight diarrhea halfway to Hawaii that made them turn the plane around. People hate you or feel bad for you, and you stink like shit.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was not endorsed by his family. But he summed that up well, saying on social media, "We might be divided in our opinions, but we are united in our love for each other. Anyways, my sister is a huge bitch." So while the Kennedy family is choosing not to endorse RFK, they are not taking it too personally because their family knows them and loves them…probably.

AP Story

Oktokeberfest No More

BERLIN (CB) — I was going to chug a stein but then I got high. Bavaria has made the move to ban cannabis from the world-famous Oktoberfest. The southern German state is banning puffing the hot leaf in all public festivals, beer gardens, and public areas following its legalization on April 1st.

Bavarian Health Minister Judith Gerlach provided more context for the ban: “It is important for health protection, especially for protecting children and young people.” Adding, “The icky has gotten too sticky.”

Earlier this month, Germany legalized small amounts of cannabis for recreational use, something the conservative-led state government of Bavaria has strongly opposed. This new measure aims to counter use and includes limitations on smoking in designated rooms and outdoors of cafes and bars.

No word on if there will be any other limitations on debauchery at Oktoberfest, but I would suggest an edible. Probably a sativa and on the lower end of things so you can still get sideways and enjoy the jugs… of beer.

AP Story

Meet the New Oldest Man: John Tinniswood

LONDON (CB) - John Alfred Tinniswood of Southport did not do The Foxtrot on any graves when he became the Guinness World Record holder for the oldest man. Graciously accepting the certificate, he shared his secrets of a long life lived. 

The World's Oldest Man is quite an odd record that pits earned versus given. Certainly, One has to wonder, is the record the most cursed record that Guiness has? As there are no living former record holders.

Juan Vicente Perez of Venezuela (114) had passed the crown to Gisaburo Sonobe of Japan (112) in March. Sonobe passed the record to Tinniswood (111) on March 31st when he passed, leaving us with a new oldest man.

Tinniswood was an accountant who was born just months after the sinking of the Titanic, lived through two world wars, the entire curse of the bambino and has seen the McRib added and removed from the Mcdonald’s menus over two dozen times. He is glad it now pops up almost yearly as a special offering.

John credits his longevity to luck with some morbid yet refreshing parting words, "It's pure luck. You either live long or you live short, and you can't do much about it."

AP Story

Delaying Democracy: Maine’s Flag Fiasco

The Maine state Senate voted 20-13 in favor of L.D. 471, a bill that would delay a referendum to change Maine's state flag. This bill delays the referendum from being on the ballot in November 2024 to 2026 and proposes a five-person committee that could cost an additional $266,000 to make a decision on an official state flag…

How did we get here?

 Let's not try and dive into the insanity of 20 of 33 state senators thinking a committee and a quarter-million dollars is needed to let the public make a decision on their flag. But into this dubious design dispute to begin with. Well, that, my friends, would take us back to 1909 when the flag was originally changed from the simpler star and pine to the much more elaborate flag. One that features: a farmer, a sailor, a star, a moose lounging under a pine tree, and the word "Dirigo" (Latin for "I lead" or "I direct") – on a blue background. The blue background was important to the Maine Legislature as 80% were Civil War veterans or sons of Civil War veterans.

(Bonus: Ballad of the 20th Maine)

So why change back? 

Well, the current Maine flag looks almost identical to 20 other state flags, making it indistinguishable and not very popular with Mainers themselves. 

In 2017, The Maine Flag Co. started to individually sew the original 1901 flag and has since sold 9,000 flags, hats, pillows, and bags. Skowhegan-based Maine Stitching Specialties began making flags as well in 2018 and have sold over 10,000. The popularity of the previous state flag prompted two bills that made their way through committee review: L.D. 86 and L.D. 1069. The number of sales and the desire to set the state apart at least warrant the public's perspective on the matter. Which is why this would have made it to the ballot in November.

Are there people who even oppose the possibility of change? 

Of course, there are; this is still America, and goddamn if we don't disagree with each other with the best of them. Critics of the change have cited tradition and a "woke" agenda. I could not find anything from these critics, but Rep. Eric Brakey was quoted in August with some insight: "People are saying it's a woke effort to take the farmer and the sailor off the flag and make it gender-neutral," Brakey disagrees with that sentiment. But, "people are saying" and "woke agenda" are not uncommon statements when it comes to meaningless political issues like updating a state flag. They are the most popular dog whistles for someone who would like to be a big dumb, hateful idiot who fears progress in any form.

Since I could not find what the people who are saying or even really who these people are, let's imagine what "the people are saying..." who are saying for a moment:

"By removing two white males from the flag, one a farmer, the other a sailor, Maine's agricultural industry and fishing industry will fall. Without having these fellas on the flag, how the hell will young Mainers even know that these careers are possibilities?! Furthermore, for those people suffering from the woke mind virus, does representation no longer matter? Maine is currently home to the highest moose population in the lower 48 states. We take the moose off the flag, they are going to be up and out of here real quick! Making the flag just a pine tree and the north star. How about we just update it to 'gender-affirming care welcome here,' goddammit!" - A “person who was saying”. 

To be clear, this flag change would not come with an obligation to fly the new flag or any flag for that matter. It is a simple, straightforward ballot measure that lets us participate in the representation of our state. And it certainly does not require two more years, five other people, and a fourth of a Regis Philbin Prize for us to decide.

Loud Teens, Strong Streams: Cicada Invadia is upon us

This Spring, the nation will see unprecedented numbers of insects as Brood XIX will overlap with Brood XIII and emerge in the southeast as the ground warms to about 64 degrees. These caravans of cicadas return every thirteen and seventeen years; their overlap is what is causing the largest geographic brood in the nation. Averaging over 1 million per acre and expected to spread across 16 states, cicada expert John Cooley estimates, adding the numbers, "...are mind-boggling. Easily hundreds of trillions, maybe quadrillions. It is cicada-palooza.”

While cicadas can be mistaken for the unrelated locusts, these insects have no interest in the freedom of Moses' people. They emerge for two things only, to feast and to mate. Mating cicadas' songs can exceed 110 decibels, and with their numbers in these broods, it is likely to be loud. Cooley shared that the mating song of the cicada sounds a little something like this: "...ffaairro (his pitch rising), ffaairro, I'm just a bachelor, ffaairro ffaairro, I'm looking for a partner,.....

Following mating, the cicada nymph will fall to the ground and then search for food. Cicadas feast on tissue called xylem, which carries mostly water and a bit of nutrients, using their proboscis like a tiny straw.

They will spend nearly their entire lives drinking up this xylem. Like a big gulp on a road trip, this excessive xylem consumption provides cicadas with a unique urination flow peeing two to three times stronger than elephants, and four to five times stronger then holding it for all of Dune two as discovered by Georgia Tech biophysics professor and known sicko, Saad Bhamla.

Saad discovered and became interested in cicada piss after a trip to the Amazon when he happened upon a tree the locals called a "weeping tree" because liquid was flowing down, like the plant was crying. It was cicada pee. Bhamla shared as he beamed. The cicada will serve as a minor annoyance for people, a pest for small trees and plants, a feast for caterpillars, and reclaim their title as the titans of tinkle.

AP Story

Harvard Decides Ban 'Body' of Work

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (CB) — The spineless cowards at Harvard University are at it again with their desire to censor art and appeal to a woke generation. The decision to remove the human skin from the binding of a book titled, “Des Destinées de L’âme,” or “The Skin Book” was prompted by a library review following a Harvard University report on human remains in its museum collections, released in 2022.

Library lore suggests for decades students employed as pages were hazed by being sent to gather the book with no knowledge of the human remains in which it was made up. Classic prank. However, Harvard has decided to shelf this timeless prank by removing the book from its library. Releasing this statement, “ “Harvard Library and the Harvard Museum Collections Returns Committee concluded that the human remains used in the book’s binding no longer belong in the Harvard Library collections, due to the ethically fraught nature of the book’s origins it’s subsequent history, and it just being gross”

AP Story

MAGA Matt Zigs when Seeing Zags

FARMINGTON HILLS, Mich. (CB)— Michigan state lawmaker and generally unhinged individual Matt Maddock took to twitter to incite xenophobic panic after spotting the Gonzaga’s men's team arriving for the round of 64 in Detroit last week.

State House Rep, Maddock made the claim last Wednesday night posting a photo of busses at the airport with the accompanying caption., “Happening right now. Three busses just loaded up with illegal invaders. Anyone have any idea where they are headed with a police escort?”

While this confusion might be warranted had it been Gongza showing up to a final four. Maddock’s tweet (we will never call it x not even in a fire) drew criticism from state Sen. Mallory McMorrow.

McMorrow posted on social media , “A sitting State Representative sees a group of buses at the airport and immediately yells ‘illegal invaders’ which is a pretty rude (and also, frankly, dangerous) way to greet the Gonzaga Men’s Basketball Team arriving for March Madness,” McMorrow would go on to add, “....but it is not shocking since Matt is a buffoon”.

Maddock doubled down with a totally reputable refute.

David's Dong Debacle

FLORENCE, Italy (CB) — Since 1504, Michelangelo's David has been a strong presence in Italian culture. And since 1504, there have been the dick jokes. The profiteering off the penis of Michelangelo's David has gone too far in the eyes of Galleria dell'Accademia's director, Cecilie Hollberg, who is taking up arms as the primary defender against David debasing.

Cecilie and other Italian curators feel that in this era of a quick buck, merchants and vendors' repeated junk jokes have diminished the religious and political significance of Michelangelo's masterpiece. And they are fighting back. 

The state attorney office in Florence has launched a series of court cases invoking Italy's landmark cultural heritage code. This code protects artistic treasures from disparaging and unauthorized commercial use and is light on language surrounding penis parody. The invocation has been largely successful, netting hundreds of thousands of euros since 2017.

 However, critics like art market lawyer Thomas C. Danziger worry about the limit this places on artistic expression, stating, "It raises not just legal issues, but also philosophical issues. What does cultural patrimony mean? How much of a stranglehold do you want to give institutions over ideas and images..." Danziger went on to add, "Plus, dicks are funny. I have a statue of David apron I break out for dinner parties, and it always gets a big laugh." 

The EU Commission has not addressed the issue, but a spokesman told the AP that it is currently checking "conformity of the national laws implementing the copyright directive" and "When you think about the height of the people of the time, it is actually a pretty average size, so I don't see what is so funny."

AP Story